Archive for May, 2007

23
May

Dzikrul Maut

The most important thing in attending a funeral ceremony is to remember that we belong to Allah, The One and Only, and that we will be taken by Allah whenever we don’t know.

Now, it’s quite a different thing when it deals with our family. When it’s someone who doesn’t have any blood-relation with us, maybe it only will reveal our God-spot. It will be a reminder that we have to prepare for the death. But when it’s our family, all we can think is that we miss him or her. We might have no time to realize the essence of the death, that it’s a time to remind us about the existence of creatures, which is mortal.

I don’t have any idea what to discuss here, then. But I had something to share about yesterday in my grandpa’s funeral (my father’s father). It really made me cried for he was a very nice and patient person, and he was the one who encouraged me to make my first debut in withdrawing someone’s blood from the vein, as the requirement of being a real doctor.

Next is that I didn’t prepare much about the proper way to deal with funeral itself. I am talking about religious aspect. I don’t know what to do or what to avoid. Even  then I was exposed to something related to Javanese culture, I was too afraid. And for that reason, I refused to obey what my dad said. It was a bad thing I have done to him, for sure. I was so sorry about it. Saying yes to parents for something that is not related to sin is a must… I know that. I just didn’t remember. I wasn’t sure…

It’s an ironic to tell, but we have to admit that a funeral is another event to have a big family gathering. And, hate to say it, that being mingled with my big family is an enjoyable moment. Then I analyzed something from yesterday, that I tend to get closer to the children than to the adults. I mean, I avoided being around with my uncles and aunts, but I played a lot with my cousins. And my cousins mostly are way younger than me. We had nice games together despite the fact that the whole family wasted their tears that whole day. Well, I can tell to my mom when she gave me the flattery about me being the voluntary leader for the children, this is why work camp always be worthy.

Well, I still look at yesterday as a faraway past behind me. I ain’t even sure about the fact of me being more mature today. Haha, being more mature will always be my ideal in my life.

07
May

An Unforgettable Betrayal

I went through these weeks with so much feelings inside. Well, I passed the debating season with the great teams of UNDIP. They are new friends for me. We had a tough week before the competition, and ended up with a lil bit disappointment. But it’s OK, let my heart sing out this, that experience is the greatest teacher, no matter what.

I learned a lot during my betrayal to my beloved ideal: being a good doctor. While all of my friends in campus study hard for a-next-10-days-exam, I went out to have a discussion about something I didn’t understand (presidential election, free trade, adoption for same sex couple, etc… etc…). While other people, the doctor-wannabe, talked about the lecture, what was the materials for the exam, etc, I just waited for few people to have another training for the competition.

No, no, I am not complaining at all. I just want to be grateful. Those were what I thought about what I was doing. But then I realized that by doing that betrayal (debating about I-dunno-what instead of studying and reading thick-English-written textbooks), I can learn at least something.

I have friends and develop nice relationship with them. That’s human nature, I think. Mingling with people and having a nice conversation about anything, or just laughing for a ’samui’ jokes… That brightens my days, for sure. People come and go in our life, and someday we are the one who will leave the people. And every time I remember of losing the people, it scares me.

And then looking something from what it can be seen by eyes or superficially is just shallow. It was crab. Look beyond what you see, that the right one, and that will be my next principal of life.

Other things I got from these weeks are the fact that I realized (again), that I will easily have a crush on charming or impressive people. Hhhh… Just by knowing someone for a short time, I could get into weird feeling that I hate. I don’t really hate the feeling of crushing a boy, but I have to admit that it ruins my schedule to be a religious person. I hate to be invaded by laziness to be off from my bed, for things called blurry dreams.

So, yeah, here comes the core of my blog today: I again have a crush!!!

One more thing about the debate, that I realized that I need to be confident. I need it so bad. And for sure, debating is one of the way to gain one. A lack-of-confident-girl is searching for achievements. Here I am. I am dying to have achievements! But I call myself as nato, no action talk only. Hmph, still hoping and (then) struggling to be active and not talkative, then.

Well, I got irritated lately by my own feeling of crushing a boy. I definitely don’t what to describe what he is like, or why I could easily fall into this maksiat situation. The point is I am a lame girl, easily disturbed by the look, and a lil bit by the grooves.

I have palpitation (this is different topic). It is a medical term for a stronger, or just faster heart beat. I dunno why. I’ve had it for maybe one week, after one week absent, and about ten days previously. It is psychologically related disorder, I hope. Yet I am afraid it is purely an abnormality in my hemodyamics. Well since I announced to the world that I am a sanguineous, I should have been stronger in this case. I mean, in cardiovascular system in my body.

So I jump into a conclusion (these were totally words of debaters) that it might be because of my feeling to my crush (or crushes?).. I dunno, maybe hoping to meet and laugh together again, or dying to be his (or their) wife, or just disappointed for what I’ve done to him (or them) awkwardly. So it definitely made my heart jumps all the time! (Of course, it jumps about 80 times a minute.. >.




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